Monday, July 26, 2010

A Calendar of Forever

I look at the calendar, and I panic.

I picture myself with my hands in the air, trying to capture the days as they fly swiftly by.  As I pull my hands down and open them, I see that they are empty.  How can this be?  How is it that the days which once stretched before me into years have become distant memories?  And the memories have faded until only a few remain stuck in some corner of my mind to keep and replay and treasure and cling to . . . because it's all I have left of that time.  And yet, I can barely recall it. 

I hardly remember him like this:

My first baby is going to school, and my cheeks are wet.  He's ten, not five.  He's going to fifth grade, not kindergarten. . . and yet the hurt and the heartache, I imagine, are no different.  I'm not ready to let go.

And so I read the journal I've written for him over the years, and I come to July 8, 2003.  He's three and a half years old.  I have written, "A day after talking about Jesus walking on the water, you said, 'I can't walk on water, Mommy.  Jesus will just have to carry me.'"  And I cry for the little boy heart that has always been for Jesus, that has always led me to Him because I can't keep him little forever.

But we think it's time.  And still I cling, thinking that it's in my control . . . thinking that by holding him here, I'm keeping things the same and forbidding tomorrow to come.  But I'm not.  I'm only pretending.  And he has his own paths to walk, his own sky to soar . . . his own water to walk with Jesus.

So, I breathe deep.  I pray.  And I count the blessings of yesterday and the promise of Eternity, where I never have to let go forever. 

And as I count, Jesus will just have to carry me.

"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you."
~Isaiah 43:2

holy experience

Counting gifts #124 to 149:

I'm not too heavy for Jesus

He carries my babies too

morning talks with The Thinker

memories preserved in journals

encouragement from friends and family

a sunset over the lake


sand castles

the white of the gull's wing


crashing waves

a time to relax

good books

bike rides

cloud watching in the backyard with all three kids

Uno with my boys

games of Blokus with my boys, and I finally win!

bird song

an impromptu visit with my brother and sister

a new aunt reading books to Baby Girl

squirt gun fights with my nephews

there's still some summer left

awareness that these really are the best days



Anonymous said...

Time does pass so quickly and before we know it, our sons (& daughters) are young adults. May you enjoy these days and cherish them. Your list is beautiful. I especially like...I am not too heavy for Jesus...Praise the Lord!! Have a blessed day...

Josh and Kelly said...

oh trusting Jesus with our children... He is so good... why is it so hard? my little ones are just 3 1/2 and 2... treasuring these days! thanks for the encouragement

contented sparrow said...

oh, I feel your bittersweet pain. it's just starting to sink in with me that my 8-year-old firstborn boy is entering into a different phase. can't you just still see your boy's baby face when you look at him?

yes, Jesus will carry you both. like you said, breathe deep and pray!

blessings to you,

Lynda said...

Even "adult" children are wonderful gifts. And while you cling to the memories of "little ones," know that life with children who are raised with love like yours will just get better and better. (Besides, if I remember correctly, you and your husband survived "public" school very well!!)

Maureen @ TatterScoops said...

Oh such a beautiful post! Your son's words are just wisdom coming from our Lord alone. My son will starts preschool too soon and I still find myself not wanting to really think about that first day of school...
Thank you for sharing the beautiful scriptures! God bless you!

Wanda said...

Such a precious post. "I'm not too heavy for Jesus" just grabbed me this morning. Thanks for sharing.

The Sharp's said...

I seriously want to sob over this one for many many reasons!
Bittersweet for sure!

Cranberry Morning said...

From now on, these years will just fly by. Enjoy them. Keep him in God's Word. This post makes me sad, for our kids are grown and so far away. God bless you!

Carrie said...

Beautiful post! You are so gifted with words!

I admire you for stepping out of your comfort zone to do what you believe is the right next step for your son!


Misty said...

my littles are still so little, yet with my oldest just turned 4 i'm realizing more and more how precarious my attempts to hold him are. yet, He loves and he allows grace to let go. amen!!!

Tea with Tiffany said...

Boy do I relate to this as a mom. My son is starting his senior year and it's so wrong to me that I've already had my mommy years with him. I pray they were well spent.

And I love the way God repeats verses!!!

Appreciate your heart already.

Claudia said...

Ah yes- time does pass by so quickly - and the kids grow up so fast. Think it was only yesterday when I was pregnant with my eldest daughter and now she's 19...

Anonymous said...

aw, you will be okay, and so will he. my oldest is in 5th grade too. just be prepared for the things he comes home to ask you about that he "learned" on the school bus! or better yet, drive him to school! maybe i shouldn't have written that... i'm not much help! but, just think of all the good things he can teach the kids on the bus!! yeah, that's better...

e-Mom said...

Oh... pause... our kids grow up SO fast. BUT, we do have eternity with them to look forward to.

Just wait till your little guy bring his first girlfriend home for dinner!

I agree with you, "these really are the best days"

(((Hugs))) e-Mom

Karen said...

Oh...such precious reflections that all moms can appreciate....

Barbie said...

Some days I wish I could stop time. They grow so very fast.

emily wierenga said...

oh, these days fly, don't they? begging time to slow down too... to preserve the innocence of our little ones... and now, to trust God... and let my little one go. Bless you.

SuzyQ said...

Praying for your dear son! And ((((you))))
Yes, Jesus is strong enough. Jesus will hold him in His loving arms as he takes his first steps on this new and exciting journey. It's so hard isn't it.
We love them so much and the letting go is painful.
I love your list of thankfulness to.
Sharing the joy with you especially the cloud watching:) We're great cloud watchers around here :)

Have a blessed week ~

Lizzie said...

Now my cheeks are wet as well. I am nostalgic and weepy today, writing was difficult to keep a narrow focus on today, more and more memories kept cramming in, yelling for their turn. I loved your post.

Wendy said...

Love your list!

Kristi said...

My oldest is going to be starting 6th grade, junior high, in just four short weeks. As I also send my third child off to her first day of kindergarten in that same amount of time, it brings memories of my oldest going to her first day of kindy and there just seems no way that it was 6 yrs ago when I did that. Sometimes I just have to think God puts the world in fast-forward every now and then. And I am going to be 37 next month? Not possible! I was just turning 30 last year.

GlowinGirl said...

Kristi, I completely understand -- fast forward for sure!

Natalie said...

Oh, I so understand it. My eldest starts Kindergarten and I can't believe I'm about to let her exercise her wings a bit. I have to do so but oh how it is bittersweet on the mama heart. I'll be crying right along with you on the first day of school...:)

Think of what a light he will be though...I love that you are sending your little ambassador for Christ out into the world. Praying for him but also for YOU. :)

Natalie at Mommy on Fire

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